The Zone

A few years ago I got a call asking me if I’d consider flying from Rochester to Lahore, Pakistan to give a talk to a group of CEOs.  At the time Lahore was considered one of the most dangerous cities in the world, so I thanked them for the opportunity and said no.  Why? I was scared. 

I gave into my fear because I was a Mom, and traveling as a single woman alone just didn’t feel like a wise thing to do when going to a place that appeared to be so dangerous.  I will say I regret to this day giving into my fear because, someone had wanted what I had to offer, and I let fear rule my decision.

A few years later I was asked to travel to the country of Oman to present my work on sharing stories with a passion to a group of CEOs.  I remember when I got the call, first wondering, “Where was Oman?” When I looked it up on the map I saw it was right next to Yemen and Iran, two of the more dangerous countries in the Middle East, as per my habit, I said, “No.” I admit it. I was scared. 

And then I thought about it, I already had regretted turning down the first opportunity, and when would I have the chance to visit such a rare and beautiful place as the Sultanate of Oman.  Never.  

So, despite my trepidation, I said yes. Suddenly I found my trip expanding to include Lebanon – a country with a turbulent history be sure - and Saudi Arabia. Car bombs and pictures of women being stoned swam in my head at night as I fell asleep. 

Friends and family didn’t help qualm my fears.  One friend who had traveled to Saudi Arabia said she had to cover herself from head to toe, and even then she was still swatted by the religious police with sticks. She hated every minute of being in the country.  

My mother would call me every night and beg me not to go because she was so scared for me. This was the woman who told us all our childhood, “Weinstein’s can do anything.” (Except apparently go to Saudi Arabia.)

And then there was my husband, egging me on, telling me I could do it and taunting me, “What was I afraid of?” 

In the end I went and it was the trip of a lifetime.  I met amazing people. Saw beautiful places.  I shared my story and I believe, helped others to share their stories. 

So, what exactly was I afraid of? The long plane ride?  Misperception of the Arab world?  And even just fear of failure? All of the above. 

Have you heard the drumbeat of personal development experts extolling the virtues of going out of your comfort zone?  Well, I’ve finally come to realize that my comfort zone is pretty darn small. 

It’s probably surprising to regular readers that I’m not an intrepid person.  I might seem like I am, given that I’m fairly outspoken and have no problem sharing almost everything about myself in writing on a regular basis.  

But, if you must know the truth (and you must since I’m writing this and you are reading it) I’m pretty scared most of the time.  Some of the things I’m afraid of include:  going downhill, hanging upside down, going fast, and going up high.  This pretty much excludes any and all roller coasters, skiing, and bungee jumping.  

I also can’t take sleeping pills because I’m afraid I won’t wake up or I will sleepwalk and end up eating a sandwich in the middle of the night.

Or needles.  I’m not deathly afraid of them, but I’m mighty afraid.  When I was pregnant with my son I had an amniocentesis which required the doctor to use a big honking needle.  I wore a sleep mask through the whole thing just to avoid seeing it.  Even when they offered to let me see the sex of my child in the accompanying sonogram I kept my eyes tight shut to avoid seeing that needle. For all I know it could have been the size of a tiny pin – the needle, not my son’s distinguishing feature.   

Oh, and I’m afraid of tight spaces.  Yup.  That one happened when I had my first MRI.  I wasn’t actually afraid of them until I went into an MRI machine and realized, wow, this is really small and I don’t like being confined in this coffin-like, loud, and cold equipment.  And that’s exactly the moment they asked if I was afraid.  Yea, well, a little late - - I wasn’t but now I am.  

I’ll confess (and this is ironic given that my day job is either speaking or working with people who speak in public) like about a third of the population, even I get scared when I speak in front of an audience.   I always have my “Buddy the Cake Boss” melt-down moment when I call my husband and say, “I don’t know how I’m going to do it!”

Of course, most of my fears are ridiculous. Fear of sleeping pills? Of course, I’ll wake up, that’s why people take sleeping pills so they can sleep and wake up. On the needles, they go in they go out, it’s no big deal.  And the MRI: suck it up you are a big girl. 

But somehow my fears remain despite how small or ridiculous.  But when it comes to the big things that I should be afraid of, like quitting my career as a lawyer and becoming an actor;  getting married really young (at 22 years old - what was I thinking?); or better yet giving birth to a whole other person, I somehow muster the courage and do it anyway.  

That’s probably because my favorite quote is from an acting teacher that I heard many years ago:  “There’s scared and you do, and scared and you don’t…so you might as well do.” 

Because of that quote whenever I feel afraid while making a big leap like working in an industry I know nothing about; traveling by myself to far-away places; or even speaking in front of 1,000 people, somehow I get through it.

And of course, having lived through each scary experience, I know that a little anxiety isn’t always a bad thing. It makes you work hard and sets in motion that fright or flight reflex that actually can be quite helpful to give you energy and make you move really fast when you have to. 

There’s a great story that I read about the great French actress Sarah Bernhardt who used to, apparently, become quite ill with fear before every performance.  Another actress said to her, “Oh I’m never scared when I perform.” And Bernhardt looked at her witheringly and said, “People without talent rarely do.” Score. 

I get it.  Going out of your comfort zone is a good thing because it helps you to grow and keeps you on your toes.  But sometimes it can be exhausting. Which is why, surprisingly one of my other favorite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt who said, famously, “Do one thing that scares you every day.” 

Every? Day? Totally exhausting. 

But I get it in action.  That’s the quote that gets me through the little things that scare the heck out of me.  Like sliding on ice.  This can be a regular Rochester winter occurrence and yet still I’m terrified it will happen, and terrified when inevitably it does happen.  Or, conquering Wegmans on a Sunday afternoon. 

It’s also the quote that made me decide to do the Sydney Bridge Climb with my then 11-year-old son when we visited Australia. This activity had all the elements of almost every one of my core fears including going up and down and hanging from a girder on a bridge.  And as a bonus, a huge cloudburst thunderstorm came rolling in while we climbed.  And yet, I took a deep breath and strapped myself to that bridge and went out of my comfort zone for like 4 hours that day. 

When we came down I was awfully glad and proud that I did it without crying like a baby the whole time.  But in the end it didn’t permanently expand my comfort zone at all, because I haven’t gone mountain climbing, zip-lining, or platform jumping as a result of conquering the Sydney Bridge.  

But I guess that’s not the point, going out of my comfort zone that day, showed me that I could, when I had to...now I just get to decide when I want to.