February 2, 2020

Back when we were newlyweds I began a long, running list of household chores I wanted my husband to do. That list quickly shifted from the sweetly stated, “Please can you do me a favor” list to the infamous “Honey do" list, where the “please” is implied.

This long-running list is both a proof of love and a distribution of power in our relationship.

Most of the things I needed done, I should have done myself. But my biggest excuse was that I didn’t know how to do them. I suppose I could have learned how to do my own to-do list, but my “honey do” list was mostly filled with things I didn’t want to do.  Changing the highest light bulbs, taking out the garbage, and anything that had to do with that weird thing in the basement called the fuse box.

My husband, mainly because he loved me, fell right in line into doing the “doings.” And in the beginning I always asked with the sweetness of honey because I wanted my “to do” list to be my “done” list. 

I know that our “honey do” list was born of gender stereotypes formed by my parents and their parents before them. Once, when I felt guilty about the list, I asked a friend of mine if we should take a class in home projects so we could be more self-sufficient.  She said of course not and reminded me that the “honey do" list is actually why we all get married — so we have that other person to do our to-do list.  Isn’t it in the vows, right after “cherish?”

Early on, my husband would often save his “honey do” list for when my dad would come to visit.  Dad actually loved what he called “puttering,” which by any other name would be called "household chores." And my husband was glad to give him a purpose when he came to visit. 

Dad bought an enormous tool box for our house filled with every tool you would need for home ownership.  After my father died, that tool box gathered dust for the next 15 years, because it turned out my husband only liked doing those “to-do” tasks when my dad was around “to do” it with him.

So I just renamed the list my “honey hire” list. 

Moving out of our house of 18 years recently has brought many changes to our to-do lists of homeownership.  The biggest change has been that the constant “Gotta clean out the basement” refrain in the back of my mind has now been replaced with, “Gotta clean out the storage unit.”

I thought being renters would mean that the “honey do" list would dwindle to almost nothing. And that my “honey” would be replaced by a landlord's handyman who would bow to my every need like that guy on “One Day at a Time." Yet there’s still plenty of stuff to do; we may not be owners, but we still have to be doers.

And our long-lived marriage and living in closer proximity in a smaller space has prompted a new list: the "honey don’t" list.  It’s a list of things your spouse does that are only annoying to you (meaning me), including, among others:

“Honey, don’t leave the squished up toothpaste tube out on the sink.”

“Honey, don’t eat the last popsicle when you’ve already had four and I want just one.”

“Honey, don’t use plastic cups at the dinner table – this is not a picnic or a rager.”

This list could go on and on, but the most important thing on the list is still: “Honey, don’t stop being my honey because together, we still have plenty more to do.”  

As first published in the Democrat and Chronicle and USA Today.